a day for sad reflection

i am still really struggling with my mom's comment. i have sought all sort's of feedback, some from athiests, some from christians and some from everyone in between and despite their philosophical difference, there message to me was to remember that god only can judge me and find me lacking. my mom's job is to love her family unconditionally. i cannot judge whether she does love us in this way. on day's like today i don't feel it. i feel like if i loved a man (ANY SHITTY MAN) i would be golden once again. i remember those days fondly... when my mom and dad thought i was the best. i was in university and doing my own thing. they could not see my heart and know the grief and the pain of living my life. i was not happy. i am happier now than i ever was when i was golden. i know that i sin. we all do. i believe that god loves us no matter what. which is what i was saying earlier. i was not using my dad's suicide to justify my life. i have no desire to justify my life to anyone. i was merely trying to give hope that while we all sin (even a godly man like alan schaus), we are still written in the lamb's book of life. nothing or no one can take that away from us.
that's it for now. i wanted this to be about healing not about heaping pain on top of grief.