a day for sad reflection

i am still really struggling with my mom's comment. i have sought all sort's of feedback, some from athiests, some from christians and some from everyone in between and despite their philosophical difference, there message to me was to remember that god only can judge me and find me lacking. my mom's job is to love her family unconditionally. i cannot judge whether she does love us in this way. on day's like today i don't feel it. i feel like if i loved a man (ANY SHITTY MAN) i would be golden once again. i remember those days fondly... when my mom and dad thought i was the best. i was in university and doing my own thing. they could not see my heart and know the grief and the pain of living my life. i was not happy. i am happier now than i ever was when i was golden. i know that i sin. we all do. i believe that god loves us no matter what. which is what i was saying earlier. i was not using my dad's suicide to justify my life. i have no desire to justify my life to anyone. i was merely trying to give hope that while we all sin (even a godly man like alan schaus), we are still written in the lamb's book of life. nothing or no one can take that away from us.
that's it for now. i wanted this to be about healing not about heaping pain on top of grief.

this is what my mom had to say in response to this site for healing...very sad.

A blogg for “Healing?” I thought I too would post some thoughts.It would have been easier to not do so but this is necessary.Twenty months ago today my husband of 36 years went to be with His Lord.I miss him so much words could not express how I feel.BUT , I am at peace and am thankful for the time we had together.Let me tell you about this Godly man.Al’s favourite verse the last 3 years of his life was “seek ye first the Kingdom of God”Because of salvation through Jesus Christ by God’s grace he was able to truly “seek”Al love his family and prayed diligently for each child that they might truly know Jesus and walk in His ways.It was his prayer that ALL his children would repent and truly serve God …not self.He loved the Lord.Al was on very strong medication for his Parkinsons that caused him to hallucinate and to do and say things over which he had No control.Later he would always regret doing these things. Some of the things he said and did even seemed a little funny.Well, sort of, but down deep all of us here close to him (both friends and family) were concerned.Often he asked forgiveness the next day or just moments later saying he heard himself say something and could not stop saying it.He also said he did things he knew were wrong to do(ie drove to town almost a year after having no liscence) BUT he could not stop himself! There were many times that these things happened.My husband took his life when in such a state.He was NOT in control of his thoughts or actions.I know this and have many reasons for having peace about this.I find it so terribly wrong that some on this site are justifying their perpetual life of sin because of Al’s actions.He had no control.You are choosing to live a life that God says in his word will reap damnation.GOD says in His Word that to live a life like that is “worthy of death”(Romans chapter 1)YES, God IS LOVE and yet he also judges.He is a Holy But a just God.He loves us SO much that He sent His Son to die for us.Without absolutes that death would be in vain and we would have no need of a Saviour.He died to give us freedom Not to live in sin but to have victory Over sin.Jesus really sums up His whole life in John 8:29 when He says” I do always those things that please Him” It is my prayer that we ALL will seek the Lord and His righteousness that someday we too can look back and Know we have lived to please the Lord.May God help us all.Written after much prayer and with much concern and yes….. LoveMrs Alan Schaus. Kim's Mom who loves her enough to write this.

sad

this is a post for my mom.............

Oh mom. I know how you feel. I am not a stupid woman. I could rebut you all day long with what I know of scripture. I am not going to do that, first of all I have learned that I do not have the ability to change people's minds. I will say this. Yes, the site was set up for healing and to talk about daddy, not for judgement.
Matthew 7:2-4 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
"2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"
I have no desire to be judged by you or anyone else. I have had quite enough of that in my life. I know what the bible says. I know what I feel in my heart. I was raised by godly parents that did not lead me astray. I was fortunate enough to be educated at a fine institute of higher biblical learning. I have a faith that sustains me through the sorrow that is my mom not loving me for who I am. I am not asking you to accept my lifestyle, just to love me unconditionally as God asks us to.
I am so sad that in looking through that beautiful site dedicated to a man we both loved with all our hearts and that all you got was justification for sin. That is a true tragedy.
Regardless. I love you still.

Kimmi
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the momentsThat take our breath away.