ocober 2nd.

soon it will be my dad's 60th birthday. i can't believe he has been gone for so long, and that he will never be 60 years old. the grief is real, but not as strong as it used to be. i don't cry as much and when i do somehow the tears aren't quite as bitter.

Canada

Today I am in Canada. The prairies remind me of my dad. He loved the prairies when he first moved to Sask. from Ontario. I wonder what happened to change his mind... suddenly he loved the mountains. Sigh. I miss him. I miss him every day. Some minutes I forget and then when I remember it takes my breath away.

a day for sad reflection

i am still really struggling with my mom's comment. i have sought all sort's of feedback, some from athiests, some from christians and some from everyone in between and despite their philosophical difference, there message to me was to remember that god only can judge me and find me lacking. my mom's job is to love her family unconditionally. i cannot judge whether she does love us in this way. on day's like today i don't feel it. i feel like if i loved a man (ANY SHITTY MAN) i would be golden once again. i remember those days fondly... when my mom and dad thought i was the best. i was in university and doing my own thing. they could not see my heart and know the grief and the pain of living my life. i was not happy. i am happier now than i ever was when i was golden. i know that i sin. we all do. i believe that god loves us no matter what. which is what i was saying earlier. i was not using my dad's suicide to justify my life. i have no desire to justify my life to anyone. i was merely trying to give hope that while we all sin (even a godly man like alan schaus), we are still written in the lamb's book of life. nothing or no one can take that away from us.
that's it for now. i wanted this to be about healing not about heaping pain on top of grief.

this is what my mom had to say in response to this site for healing...very sad.

A blogg for “Healing?” I thought I too would post some thoughts.It would have been easier to not do so but this is necessary.Twenty months ago today my husband of 36 years went to be with His Lord.I miss him so much words could not express how I feel.BUT , I am at peace and am thankful for the time we had together.Let me tell you about this Godly man.Al’s favourite verse the last 3 years of his life was “seek ye first the Kingdom of God”Because of salvation through Jesus Christ by God’s grace he was able to truly “seek”Al love his family and prayed diligently for each child that they might truly know Jesus and walk in His ways.It was his prayer that ALL his children would repent and truly serve God …not self.He loved the Lord.Al was on very strong medication for his Parkinsons that caused him to hallucinate and to do and say things over which he had No control.Later he would always regret doing these things. Some of the things he said and did even seemed a little funny.Well, sort of, but down deep all of us here close to him (both friends and family) were concerned.Often he asked forgiveness the next day or just moments later saying he heard himself say something and could not stop saying it.He also said he did things he knew were wrong to do(ie drove to town almost a year after having no liscence) BUT he could not stop himself! There were many times that these things happened.My husband took his life when in such a state.He was NOT in control of his thoughts or actions.I know this and have many reasons for having peace about this.I find it so terribly wrong that some on this site are justifying their perpetual life of sin because of Al’s actions.He had no control.You are choosing to live a life that God says in his word will reap damnation.GOD says in His Word that to live a life like that is “worthy of death”(Romans chapter 1)YES, God IS LOVE and yet he also judges.He is a Holy But a just God.He loves us SO much that He sent His Son to die for us.Without absolutes that death would be in vain and we would have no need of a Saviour.He died to give us freedom Not to live in sin but to have victory Over sin.Jesus really sums up His whole life in John 8:29 when He says” I do always those things that please Him” It is my prayer that we ALL will seek the Lord and His righteousness that someday we too can look back and Know we have lived to please the Lord.May God help us all.Written after much prayer and with much concern and yes….. LoveMrs Alan Schaus. Kim's Mom who loves her enough to write this.

sad

this is a post for my mom.............

Oh mom. I know how you feel. I am not a stupid woman. I could rebut you all day long with what I know of scripture. I am not going to do that, first of all I have learned that I do not have the ability to change people's minds. I will say this. Yes, the site was set up for healing and to talk about daddy, not for judgement.
Matthew 7:2-4 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
"2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"
I have no desire to be judged by you or anyone else. I have had quite enough of that in my life. I know what the bible says. I know what I feel in my heart. I was raised by godly parents that did not lead me astray. I was fortunate enough to be educated at a fine institute of higher biblical learning. I have a faith that sustains me through the sorrow that is my mom not loving me for who I am. I am not asking you to accept my lifestyle, just to love me unconditionally as God asks us to.
I am so sad that in looking through that beautiful site dedicated to a man we both loved with all our hearts and that all you got was justification for sin. That is a true tragedy.
Regardless. I love you still.

Kimmi
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the momentsThat take our breath away.

this is such a great picture. i cannot believe that my littlest brother is a man. i know that my dad would be proud of him today. he has taken on the "man of the house" responsibilities admirably and without reserve. for this, i know our dad would be beaming with pride. i love you dave.

thursday

so, today is thursday. today is the day my daddy died. i have a hard time with thursdays now. it is weird how a day of the week can be so significant. it is also weird how when you have good days you don't always remember the day but a horrific day is forever stuck in your heart.
anyway, i was driving this morning feeling so sad. third day was playing and this song came on. it struck me as so appropriate and so heartwrenching. and so true. so, i thought i would post it here for others to read in order that they too can cry out to jesus to heal them.
Cry Out To Jesus - Third Day (2005)
To everyone who's lost someone they love long before it's their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enoughwhen you said goodbye.
And to all of the people with burdens and painskeepin' you back from your life.
You believe that there's nothingand there is no one who can make it right.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus.
Cry out to Jesus.
For the marriage that struggles just to hang on have lost all of their faith in love.
and they've done all they can to make it right again 'til it's not enough.
For those who can't break the addictions and chains
and try to give up but you come back again.
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame and your suffering.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healingthat meets you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus.
When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on youyou just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus.
To the widow who suffers from being alone,wipin' the tears from her eyes.
For the children around the world without a home,say a prayer tonight.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing that meets you wherever you are.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healingthat meets you wherever you are.Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
Cry out to Jesus.
Cry out to Jesus.
hear our cries.....

look at this.

look at this picture. how could this picture be any more beautiful? i was looking at this picture one day while i was on the phone with my mom and i said " daddy is looking at me like he has never seen anything like me before." and mom said: 'he hadn't kimmi, he hadn't". i would do anything to see his beautful face again.

it's been a long time

well, it has been long time since i posted on here. actually, i have not been writing because i couldn't remember my user name. i am always pokergirl33 and on this site i am pokergirl35. i guess this is a testament to my aging, not only that i am 35 (holy cow! ) but also that i am forgetting things.
i still think about dad a lot. i know intellectually that he is gone but most of the time it does not seem right that he is gone. i think about suicide and how a lot of people think that if you kill yourself there is no way that you will go to heaven. i found out that baptists believe that once you are saved, you are always saved. no matter what. if you are gay or a thief or.... if you commit suicide. i know that i grew up thinking that gay people went to hell. i know now that god loves us no matter what. i know that god is a good god. that doesn't mean that he doesn't get sad when we sin, or that we can assume that we are forever in his good graces once we are saved, but for us as people to put conditions on the unconditional love of god seems sad, and wrong. he stated that he loved us unconditionally right? so why do we as christians assume that we know better than god? we don't. we can't. if that was the case, well i guess i could assume that my dad was in hell. because no matter his state of mind, no matter what the drugs did to him, a typical believer may argue that he still committed a grevious sin without asking forgiveness and in so doing, lost his place in heaven. well, i am pretty sure that we cannot lose our place in heaven unless we grieve the holy spirit. which brings me to this, what does it mean exactly to grieve the holy spirit? i have been perplexed by that my whole christian life. when i was a child i could not fall asleep some nights thinking over my day, wondering if i had in fact grieved the holy spirit. i still don't know, but i don't lose sleep over it anymore, there is nothing i can do about it if i do. i can just pray that god will continue to guide me through my life. i know i have made a lot of mistakes, i know that i will continue to, but i believe that life is unfolding as it should.
sigh. i have not talked all that much about daddy. that is okay.
i light a candle at church every sunday in memory of my daddy. i don't know what that does exactly, i don't imagine it really does anything but it helps me somehow. it helps me to have that little bit of light glowing in the dark, maybe i hope that he can see it somehow. it makes me feel better. it is true, darkness cannot live in the light. well, there has been no darker day than the day my dad died and some of my days feel dark still. the candle burns through the night and holds the darkness in my heart at bay.
enough for tonight. i love you daddy.

some more thoughts

i can't believe how much this site already feels like i can heal. i don't know if anyone else will get anything from this but i know that i am already feeling the healing. i am thankful for little steps....

today

i wanted to share this with everyone. thanks sandra.
sandra said...
This is a great idea Kim. Your dad deserves to be honored in such a way. I remember how his smile lit up the room as soon as you walked through the door on one of your visits. Your family was so much fun to hang out with, and now in retrospect especially, I'm so glad I went home with you, because I can understand so much more why his death has been so painful to process. From my observation, he was a gentle and godly man, who would do anything for his kids and wife. You were and are lucky to have had him as a father. It sucks tremendously that he is no longer walking in this world, but I will pray that you and your family will be able to overcome the weight of that, not allowing current depressions and anger to envade the memories or steal your faith. You are in fact the lucky ones. Some have never experienced the gift of a loving father.i love you Kimmi

daddy

i am creating this website as a way for all that knew my daddy to heal. a place to talk, to cry and to survive life without him.